There's absolutely no reason...

Why you can't say "thank you" when I hold the door open for you. GAH! Nothing is more irritating than a person with a false sense of entitlement. Yes, people still have manners, no you're not one of them. Actually, nothing is worse when you're using someone's bathroom and their soap pump is empty. No, no, no, nothing's more annoying than when people misuse the expression "I couldn't care less" like this; "Oh, I could care less what that loris thinks of me". Oh really? You could? Well if you COULD care less that leads me to believe that you do, in fact, care what the loris thinks of you. ACK! Wait, how could I forget the fit of rage I'm thrown into when I've been following you at 52 miles per hour for the last 9 miles beacuse I'm blocked in by the person next to you travelling at speeds fluctuating just barely enough to make it absolutely impossible to pass you. 52, 49, 55, 58... This climb is when I get super excited that I could possibly pull some kind NASCAR move to just MAYBE squeeze by enough to weave through and leave you in the dust. Thereby showing you with my erratic and reckless driving how FURIOUS I am with your lack of courtesy. I hasitly throw my stupid Focus, which in my mind is now a Corvette, into 3rd gear and WHIP into the right lane just to have you slow back down to 52 just short of 1/4 inch that I'd need to pass the left lane offender. At this point, I'm forced to throw my car BACK into the left lane to once again get as close to the person responsible for this mess in the first place! CAN'T YOU TELL BY HOW CLOSE I AM TO YOUR BUMPER THAT I'M INSANE?!??! ISN'T THIS TELLING YOU TO SPEED UP?!?!? HOW ABOUT MY ARM FLAILING?!?! CAN YOU SEE - Oh, you son of- You're on the phone aren't you? That does it...

Wow, that's enough coffee.

The most upsetting day of my life

Let me just preface this by sharing that I think that I may have actually lost years from my life today.

Picture this,

A late morning wake-up, luxurious shower, a revitalizing cup of coffee followed by a quick Facebook check-up and all this accompanied by a fantabulous selection of tunes playing in the background. I give a carefree glance to the clock to ensure that I won't be entirely too late for work; I even spend about 45 minutes contemplating whether or not I want to pick up the house a bit. It's a lazy, relaxing glorious way to start the day. During the last few minutes before my departure, I find myself engrossed in Gravity by the lovely Sara Bareilles. So engrossed in fact, that I'm moved to sing it as loud and as gawdy as I possibly can. As I'm walking outside I've deemed it appropriate to sing JUST as loudly as if I were in my home! I was using my Lean Cuisine lunch as a tamborine and advancing to the fence gate. I reached over and unlatched the latch and felt what MUST be a stick or something on the handle. I payed it no mind and frolicked out of the fence whilst belting out the lyric,

"The one thing that I still know is that you're keepin' me..."

Just as I was to unleash the most spectacular note of the entire composition I lay my eyes on something that I can only guess was at one time a very normally proportioned and less horrifying insect. That is before it stumbled upon the same radioactive Ooze that birthed these dudes and had since mastered the art of world destruction through ultra-traumatic paralyzing terror.

In what should have been a powerful finish to my acapella rendition, was interrupted when I released possibly the loudest and girliest scream I'd ever attempted. As I was justifiably suffering from shock I wasn't able to hear my neighbor calling for me to make sure I was okay. As I later found out, he was outside working in his yard which leads me to believe that he was ALSO suffering from my singing prior to the attack.

I gathered enough sanity to tremulously call "I'm fine!!! Just a mutant bug!!!"

I couldn't take my eyes off of this beast. I even contemplated calling the local authorities (again, Jenn) to notify them of my discovery. Not knowing if I'd be able to convey the proper description of the perp, I dug down deep within myself to a place of strength that I didn't know that I possessed and was able to shakily snap this picture to use as evidence-

My hand touched that monstrosity...

Weekly thoughts

More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can think about is that I can't wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own story that's not only better, but also more directly involves me.

I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

Why is a school zone 20 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for pedophiles...

I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Aghh!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?

That's enough, Nickelback.

I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.
The letters T and G are very close to each other on a keyboard. This recently became all too apparent to me and consequently I will never be ending a work email with the phrase "Regards" again.

Do you remember when you were a kid, playing Nintendo and it wouldn't work? You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would magically fix the problem. Every kid in America did that, but how did we all know how to fix the problem? There was no internet or message boards or FAQ's. We just figured it out. Today's kids are soft.

There is a great need for a sarcasm font.

Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the hell was going on when I first saw it.

I think everyone has a movie that they love so much, it actually becomes stressful to watch it with other people. I'll end up wasting 90 minutes shiftily glancing around to confirm that everyone's laughing at the right parts, then making sure I laugh just a little bit harder (and a millisecond earlier) to prove that I'm still the only one who really, really gets it.

How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

Was learning cursive really necessary?

Answering the same letter three times or more in a row on a Scantron test is absolutely petrifying.

Whenever someone says "I'm not book smart, but I'm street smart", all I hear is "I'm not real smart, but I'm imaginary smart".

Lol has gone from meaning, "laugh out loud" to "I have nothing else to say".

Every time I have to spell a word over the phone using 'as in' examples, I will undoubtedly draw a blank and sound like a complete idiot. Today I had to spell my last name to an attorney and said "Yes that's G as in...(10 second lapse)..ummm...Goonies"

While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and instinctively swerved to avoid it...thanks Mario Kart.

MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.

Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

Whenever I'm Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their profile is public I feel like a kid on Christmas morning who just got the Red Ryder BB gun that I always wanted. 546 pictures? Don't mind if I do!

There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.

I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.

"Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wear this ever.

Spiders are absolutely terrifying

I was on the commode today doing my ‘bidness’ whilst conversing my mother(don't judge me, people do this) and on my left bicep I a ginormous black spider. I screamed, loudly, which prompted my dog to come, again loudly, to my rescue. I’m frantically snatching TP(4-ply) from the roller and attempting a visual scan of where the spider may have landed. After I abandoned the toilet I did a tippy toe recon of bathroom clutching Riley in attempt to locate the offender and when I realized that it could still possibly be ON me I promptly executed THIS.




Needless to say I couldn’t possibly use that bathroom after I’d been attacked. I had to use the guest shower and the only body wash available in there was the Axe we had leftover from our male roommate, Matt. I've caution taped the bathroom and notified the local authorities (Jenn) so hopefully the issue will be resolved by the time I arrive home from work.

Turn signals were invented for your health

The turn signal is usually a multipurpose lever always located on the left hand side of the steering wheel of any given American (as in U.S.) driven car. It is located there for your convenience and as far as I know, I don't believe the car plants are using "invisible paint" on it. During your journey via CAR to your destination it would behoove you to USE the turn signal as an INDICATOR that your vehicle will be leaving my flight path imminently and which way I can expect your exit. Flipping your turn signal on while you're turning is not helpful, nor is it helpful to turn it on WHILE you're in a designated turn lane WAITING to turn. It's rather clear at the point what you're doing so basically what you're doing here is trying to draw attention to yourself because you're arrogant. Using your turn signal as soon as possible is not only helpful to the maniac drivers behind you, but it is also beneficial to you as it gives me more time to convince my foot to ease pressure pushing down the pedal to the floorboard.

I'm basically informing you because I care about your safety. I'm an extremely impulsive person and when you don't use your turn signals I have actually talk myself into braking instead of ramming into the back of your car like inertia is telling me to do. Now, please, take the turn signal OUT of the 'optional' folder of your mind and place it where it belongs. In the "do it or I'll Kathy Bates ram into the back of your car because my insurance is already high and if I'm uninsurable I can buy all of those impulsive things that I want" folder.

Thanks in advance for your consideration,

The Weave