The most upsetting day of my life

Let me just preface this by sharing that I think that I may have actually lost years from my life today.

Picture this,

A late morning wake-up, luxurious shower, a revitalizing cup of coffee followed by a quick Facebook check-up and all this accompanied by a fantabulous selection of tunes playing in the background. I give a carefree glance to the clock to ensure that I won't be entirely too late for work; I even spend about 45 minutes contemplating whether or not I want to pick up the house a bit. It's a lazy, relaxing glorious way to start the day. During the last few minutes before my departure, I find myself engrossed in Gravity by the lovely Sara Bareilles. So engrossed in fact, that I'm moved to sing it as loud and as gawdy as I possibly can. As I'm walking outside I've deemed it appropriate to sing JUST as loudly as if I were in my home! I was using my Lean Cuisine lunch as a tamborine and advancing to the fence gate. I reached over and unlatched the latch and felt what MUST be a stick or something on the handle. I payed it no mind and frolicked out of the fence whilst belting out the lyric,

"The one thing that I still know is that you're keepin' me..."

Just as I was to unleash the most spectacular note of the entire composition I lay my eyes on something that I can only guess was at one time a very normally proportioned and less horrifying insect. That is before it stumbled upon the same radioactive Ooze that birthed these dudes and had since mastered the art of world destruction through ultra-traumatic paralyzing terror.

In what should have been a powerful finish to my acapella rendition, was interrupted when I released possibly the loudest and girliest scream I'd ever attempted. As I was justifiably suffering from shock I wasn't able to hear my neighbor calling for me to make sure I was okay. As I later found out, he was outside working in his yard which leads me to believe that he was ALSO suffering from my singing prior to the attack.

I gathered enough sanity to tremulously call "I'm fine!!! Just a mutant bug!!!"

I couldn't take my eyes off of this beast. I even contemplated calling the local authorities (again, Jenn) to notify them of my discovery. Not knowing if I'd be able to convey the proper description of the perp, I dug down deep within myself to a place of strength that I didn't know that I possessed and was able to shakily snap this picture to use as evidence-

My hand touched that monstrosity...

Weekly thoughts

More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can think about is that I can't wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own story that's not only better, but also more directly involves me.

I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

Why is a school zone 20 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for pedophiles...

I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Aghh!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?

That's enough, Nickelback.

I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.
The letters T and G are very close to each other on a keyboard. This recently became all too apparent to me and consequently I will never be ending a work email with the phrase "Regards" again.

Do you remember when you were a kid, playing Nintendo and it wouldn't work? You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would magically fix the problem. Every kid in America did that, but how did we all know how to fix the problem? There was no internet or message boards or FAQ's. We just figured it out. Today's kids are soft.

There is a great need for a sarcasm font.

Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the hell was going on when I first saw it.

I think everyone has a movie that they love so much, it actually becomes stressful to watch it with other people. I'll end up wasting 90 minutes shiftily glancing around to confirm that everyone's laughing at the right parts, then making sure I laugh just a little bit harder (and a millisecond earlier) to prove that I'm still the only one who really, really gets it.

How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

Was learning cursive really necessary?

Answering the same letter three times or more in a row on a Scantron test is absolutely petrifying.

Whenever someone says "I'm not book smart, but I'm street smart", all I hear is "I'm not real smart, but I'm imaginary smart".

Lol has gone from meaning, "laugh out loud" to "I have nothing else to say".

Every time I have to spell a word over the phone using 'as in' examples, I will undoubtedly draw a blank and sound like a complete idiot. Today I had to spell my last name to an attorney and said "Yes that's G as in...(10 second lapse)..ummm...Goonies"

While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and instinctively swerved to avoid it...thanks Mario Kart.

MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.

Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

Whenever I'm Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their profile is public I feel like a kid on Christmas morning who just got the Red Ryder BB gun that I always wanted. 546 pictures? Don't mind if I do!

There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.

I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.

"Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wear this ever.