The thing about inevitability is, simply, that your best efforts to resist are futile. So I grit my teeth, steel my nerves, and take deep breaths. I convince myself that emotions are something I can keep at bay. Breaking is out of the question and I refuse. But the more I keep it away, the closer it draws. I fight it and I suppress the urge to give in. My fists clench and I’m constantly looking over my shoulder trying to stave off the sneak attacks that feelings often try. The most unfortunate thing about pain is that it always comes when I’m at my weakest. Like a deep horrible sinking wasteland that invades my heart, mind and finally my soul. My earth shatters violently and without warning. All that resolve, all of that strength I possess is depleted and though I veraciously attempt, I can’t draw on it anymore. Perhaps the most horrific part about breaking is that the first crack is just a prelude of the hurt to come. That first crack is just a reminder of how human, fragile and vulnerable I am. Sobs wrack my body and slowly, reassuringly the pain begins to subside. That last shuddering deep breath and small sniffles that follow afterward. The eye of the storm is above me. A bird chirps, a deep breath, the breeze ruffles my hair and I feel it through my clothes. I extend my arms to lose myself in the clarity of this moment because I’ll need its strength to face what’s to come. There’s still work to be done. Ever so gently, bit by miserable bit, I’m meant to feel the breakage until finally I’m shattered. My very being lie on the ground scattered in a myriad of pieces. I’m finding that my mistake has been that I’m always reaching for the pieces, hoping to catch them before they fall, forever attempting to cram them back together to rebuild what was lost. That strength, that resolve! I need it back! This is my realization and my discovered truth about pain; it’s not about restoration, it’s about creation. The pieces that fall to floor are not to be reattached in the form they once composed. I am broken. Now all of my pieces form a new shape entirely. I can’t go back, I am not to be restored and through this realization, through the pain and destruction, I am created.
