"This place has broken my American heart"

Ever had a dream in which you're trying desperately to break free from a hold yet your efforts seem to respond in slow motion? Your arms feel as heavy as steel beams, your punches given with all your might halt as if underwater, your heart races uncontrollably as because you're panicking- sure you're screaming but all that is heard is muffled sputtering weakened rasps.

That dream is my life. I live it every waking moment of every day that I spend reaching for delicate reasoning in world of selfish motives. We are failing each other.

We'll never be anything more but never want anything less. Our fallacies, our country.

But, hey, we're part of it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P4ls0uY3O_c

"50% More" Translates to "174% More Difficult to Use"

Ridonkulousness in the form of Krazy Glue, I give you exhibit A.

It appears to be a decent enough product, and I'm sure, knowing Jennifer (this is foreshadowing, people) that this is probably a product that she has grown to trust. It has never let her down in the past, therefore she plucks it TRUSTINGLY from the myriad of glue of the crazy variety. The packaging isn't all that suspect to the UN-trained eye, but upon further inspection you'll note the "50% MORE" hoop-lah they proudly stamp on the front. It becomes pretty obvious at this point that they have somehow tampered with the product. Probably by enhancing destroying a perfectly perfect design by adding superfluous changes meant to make it "easier to use" which actually makes it MORE impossible to use. Cause let's face it, how easy was it to use any form of wicked adhesive glue in the first place? Sweat dripping down your nose that accumulated underneath the nose pieces of Grandpa's +8.75 reading magnifying glasses while you're trying desperately to piece back together that antique vase that's been in your family for 16 generations (which you accidentally knocked over in a well executed, albeit slightly reckless, fit of excitement over the long overdue Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles marathon) with a set of tweezers in one hand and a pair of chopsticks in the other looking over your shoulder and jumping at every sound that could POSSIBLY be a garage door but is mostly just Gramps banging around upstairs trying to find his "misplaced" glasses. Whew! I feel better now...

BUT THAT'S NOT THE POINT! EXHIBIT B IS THE POINT!

NOTHING SHOULD EVER BE MADE INTO A PEN!!! I know what you're thinking, Sharpies were never meant to be pens either. You run out and buy one thinking "What what!!! They made a permanent PEN that doesn't bleed through!" So there you are, working vigorously on your homework and have become stuck on a question/conversation you're having with a friend and have absent mindedly drawn a very detailed and DARK black hole... which has frickin' BLED THROUGH ON TO THE DINING ROOM TABLE!!! The phone's dropped and you're running full speed to the garage to procure a sander. Do you know how difficult and time consuming it is to use a sander? Do you know how impossible it is to stain a 4" by 6" spot the same color as the rest of the table surface? Do you know how ridiculously tiring it is to sand down an entire dining room table surface, stain it a different color and then convince your mother that you did it to match her decorative plates and tie in the kitchen to the dining room? Thank God I watched Trading Spaces after school each day. Wow, hindsight? Spent a lot of time covering up my accidental tracks.

BUT THAT'S NOT THE POINT! EXHIBIT C IS THE POINT!!!!

Ahem, this is an accurate/crude re-creation of the tip of the stupid pen before I gave it its well deserved haircut. However! Don't make my mistakes. Leave the tip on, cause evidently it's some fancy shmance design that keeps the glue in or whatever with some silly airtight design that also gives you 50% more stupid glue that I can't even use because I accidentally "pierced" the tip of the pen. Which brings me to the close and my lesson learned today. Always read the directions on the back of shysty glue.

I guess I've spent my whole life looking THROUGH the mirror

I've always associated (with good reason) this time of the year with itchy eyes, constant sneezing and an endless running nose. The beginning of the end to sweaters, layers, goose down blankets, and huffing my steamy breath into the air. Saying goodnight to the early winter twilight and respective constellations who signal cozy fires, soothingly warm drinks and that heady scent of falling (DYING!) leaves and plants. I start dreading the blooming of toxic (Yes, TOXIC) flowers and plants that cause my sinuses to implode. Do I really even have to mention pollen Ebola?

Though my eyes are so red and tender that it actually stings when I touch the skin around them, I have skin flaking off of my nose from the harsh tissue and I can actually TASTE Spring each time I walk outside I've yet to stop smiling! I suppose I can be truthful now and actually reveal that I had positively given up on humanity. I'd lost hope for us and myself. I'd lost the desire and courage to better myself and to encourage others to do the same. Music had no rhythm, landscapes had no color, the sun had no brightness and I hadn't the energy to force my heart to keep beating for us all. I'd begun to believe us all evil and selfish (which we are, but I'm good with it).

I have been expecting so much from us all. I've felt deserving of hourly miracles, I've been abhorrently judgmental and irrevocably unforgiving of our God given right to be exactly what we are, mortal. How can I justify asking so much of humanity and demand so little of myself?

So, here I am, standing here changing in front of my watery, itchy eyes. I love Spring. I love the feelings of nostalgia it evokes and the dawn of a new hopeful chapter. I love the numerous smells it emits (when I can smell them) and I love each and every person I come into contact with. Not because of whom I wish you to be, but the person that I believe you to be and the wonderful creation that you are. I'm astonished that I can change so drastically. A person so stubborn and obtuse it's a question as to if I had compassion at all. It's quite possibly the miracle I've been expecting. It's phenomenal to be so sure of the person you are and to open your eyes to find that you never knew who you were at all.

If you read this then you definitely need to listen to The Weepies album "Say I am You" Go on! Shoo! Nothing more to see here

I reserve the right to be shady because

I have a terrible, horrible and occasionally forgetful memory, which often makes me unreliable. I don’t believe there’s a person I’ve come into contact with in my life who has deemed me dependable.

I have an acute hearing problem which some choose to call “selective”. I try not to take offense. Chances are, if I have to actively pay attention to what you’re saying for more than 5 or 6 seconds I’ll start thinking about myself and that’s a subject I have to give my full attention. Sorry. You’re just not as important as I am.

This is a new discovery, albeit late but a discovery nonetheless, I require what some would call excess amounts of sleep. If I don’t sleep, I’m irritable, if I’m irritable my memory becomes limited and my hearing starts getting worse and as a result I become unreliable and/or unfriendly.

I’m selfish. So are you DON’T deny it! If I have the choice between sleeping/anything else I wish to do consider yourself dropped.

A government MANDATE for TP!!!

If we had a union I would file a grievance. It should be a requirement that to be considered usable toilet paper that it at the very LEAST be one ply. That's all I'm asking for, a measly ply. It's terrible enough that you be subjected to actually use a public restroom, but it just adds insult to injury when forced to wipe with what is some cruel (and probably short) invidual's idea of toilet paper.

It's pretty obvious what's wrong with this picture. This is not suitable for its intended use. I feel like the emperor in The Emperor's New Clothes except they gave me invisible toilet paper intead of clothes and instead of the Emperor I'm actually the groundling who's only allowed to bathe semi-yearly. Even the BEARS use Charmin! How are they able to procure plush toilet paper in the wilderness? I bet they don't even have to pay for it! I bet Charmin provides THE BEARS with free toilet paper, yet neglects those who actually VALUE hygiene! Anyone else feel as if public restrooms lack proper toilet paper? SPEAK UP!!!! BE THE CHANGE YOU WISH TO SEE! STEP LIGHTLY, EAT LIVELY and all that other inspirational junk people say to get you to act.

Ignorance isn't an issue, it's a downright problem

When people form opinions based solely on emotion it's called passion, when people base opinions on irrefutable facts it's called logic, and when people base opinions on their emotional attachment to conveying cohesive facts it's called passionate logic. How is it that someone can justify in their own mind and then aloud their emotional attachment to non-existent facts? Bush caused Katrina, 2Pac is alive, Al Gore invented the internet, lose 20 pounds in a day, Lady Gaga is a hermaphrodite, global warming, "I did not have sexual relations with that woman", Miley Cyrus can sing, Sarah Palin for President, gay marriage is wrong, Obama isn't a socialist, etc.

Listen up people, I know you fill a need in American society but I certainly don't need to hear you speak of anything that doesn't directly involve what I want from the Chick-fil-a menu (Gawd, I love Chick-fil-a...). Politics are a sham, America is a disgrace and the citizens are cowards. We don't want to fight for our rights in wars, we don't want to pay for the things we buy, we don't want to earn the money we make and we certainly don't want to play fair. Give us a leg up and we'll forget whose hands our feet stood upon as soon as we reach the top. We're more proud of being Celtics fans than we are of being Americans. Nothing comes from the heart because no one seems to have one. It's constantly about us. People actually pay other people to listen to them talk about themselves. There wasn't any TIME for that a hundred years ago. Most people were too busy wondering if they were going to eat dinner. People earned what they had and they died for their freedom. Feeling convicted? Feeling as if you're part of the problem? Feeling victimized?

How selfish.

There's absolutely no reason...

Why you can't say "thank you" when I hold the door open for you. GAH! Nothing is more irritating than a person with a false sense of entitlement. Yes, people still have manners, no you're not one of them. Actually, nothing is worse when you're using someone's bathroom and their soap pump is empty. No, no, no, nothing's more annoying than when people misuse the expression "I couldn't care less" like this; "Oh, I could care less what that loris thinks of me". Oh really? You could? Well if you COULD care less that leads me to believe that you do, in fact, care what the loris thinks of you. ACK! Wait, how could I forget the fit of rage I'm thrown into when I've been following you at 52 miles per hour for the last 9 miles beacuse I'm blocked in by the person next to you travelling at speeds fluctuating just barely enough to make it absolutely impossible to pass you. 52, 49, 55, 58... This climb is when I get super excited that I could possibly pull some kind NASCAR move to just MAYBE squeeze by enough to weave through and leave you in the dust. Thereby showing you with my erratic and reckless driving how FURIOUS I am with your lack of courtesy. I hasitly throw my stupid Focus, which in my mind is now a Corvette, into 3rd gear and WHIP into the right lane just to have you slow back down to 52 just short of 1/4 inch that I'd need to pass the left lane offender. At this point, I'm forced to throw my car BACK into the left lane to once again get as close to the person responsible for this mess in the first place! CAN'T YOU TELL BY HOW CLOSE I AM TO YOUR BUMPER THAT I'M INSANE?!??! ISN'T THIS TELLING YOU TO SPEED UP?!?!? HOW ABOUT MY ARM FLAILING?!?! CAN YOU SEE - Oh, you son of- You're on the phone aren't you? That does it...

Wow, that's enough coffee.